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Author Topic: My step back  (Read 4835 times)

Dreamer

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My step back
« on: June 16, 2013, 03:43:17 pm »
Today was my first day of level four (again). I enjoyed the first half of the program, but was becoming anxious during the final ten minutes. The biggest thing I noticed today, is that I don't feel relaxed the way I did at the end of level five. I need to find the message about level four and listen to it again, but right now I am still not sure whether I am going to stay on level four for one week, two weeks or the full 30 days. We'll see what happens.

Dreamer
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. - Oscar Wilde

Dreamer

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Re: My step back
« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2013, 11:03:19 am »
First week of my second attempt at level four completed. Third attempt?
I have not been finding myself trying to avoid listening, as I had been before, but I still don't look forward to listening as I did for all of the other levels. When it starts I try to focus on my breathing, but by the end I find I am attaching to the thoughts that are coming up. Most of those thoughts are problem solving ideas which makes it all the more difficult not to attach to them. Ideas on how to solve a crafting problem I've had for a couple of years. Meal planning for the next week with a very tight budget. The best way to clean things, deal with offspring who don't want to work. Things like that.
I haven't been sleeping at all well this week either.
When at work I have been clinging to the things that irritate me and it takes a serious effort to let them go, often only to have them return a few minutes later. I'm not sure if that is being caused by Brain Ev or my lack of sleep, or both. There has to be a reason for all of this, the irritations and the lack of sleep, I just don't know what it is.
I am determined to make it through the month this time, and I praying that it will get better before the month is finished.

Blessings to all
Dreamer
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. - Oscar Wilde

Dreamer

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Re: My step back
« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2013, 10:28:24 am »
Rest day. At least this for week. Not sure whether to complain about insomnia or not. I grew up getting about 9 hours of sleep every night, though I could make a go of less during the weekends. Now I'm averaging about 5 or 6 hours per night, going to bed at the same time but waking up way too early.
I look at all the things I want to do, want to get done, plan to get done and failed to get done, and just get frustrated. With myself and everyone around me. I know I need to set priorities, but sometimes that just seems like another way to procrastinate from actually doing anything. Trying to follow the uncourse at EkhartTolleTV. One of those things I want to do, I usually enjoy actually doing, but find myself pretty much avoiding. I have books to read on close to a dozen subjects from cookbooks to politics to spirituality. The books I am reading often seem to mesh together like gears, with one filling the holes in another.
But I am not working outside on the garden, like I promised myself. Not making doctor's appointments - I hate going to the doctor - even though I know I need to and I'm already paying for it even if I don't go. My office has once again fallen into disarray with other peoples things being left here so THEY won't lose them.
When I moved here I had such hopes of getting my things organized, but have had my spaces filled with other peoples things and have had so many of my things buried, moved or thrown out ("I didn't think you wanted that." Then he should have ASKED), that I have basically given up. On top of that I have my partner criticizing me for not getting my things out of storage and put away. How am I supposed to do that when, A: there is no place to put anything. B: when I did attempt to organize my things, the next day I would find everything has been moved to a new place and any organization I had is gone. C: I no longer know where a lot of my things are to even attempt to organize and put away. D: I seem to be tired all the time anymore.
Grumble, grumble, grumble.
Still, the new roof is almost done. I have gotten some work done on the flower beds (which consists of simply ripping out anything that is currently growing there as it is so filled with weeds that I just want to clear it out to start over). I love my house, and still have faith that everything will eventually get where it is supposed to be.
Done whining now, anyone have some cheese and crackers?
Dreamer
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. - Oscar Wilde

Dreamer

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Re: My step back
« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2013, 11:10:50 am »
Not sure what to say about level four. Almost through week two and stressed beyond belief. On edge all the time. Not sleeping well. Remembering some mighty strange dreams. No matter which way I turn I feel like I am running into walls. Yesterday I was quite depressed for no reason I could think of, and seemed quite unable to kick myself out of it. Now that was extremely difficult. All I wanted to do was go somewhere private and mope/sleep, yet I continued to tell myself to get out of it. Truly a difficult internal war.
Going to continue going through level four and hope to break out of this. Maybe I am heading for a real breakTHROUGH! At least that is what I am hoping for.

Dreamer
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. - Oscar Wilde

Infinite

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Re: My step back
« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2013, 02:15:39 am »
I wish you the best of luck.  I went through that kind of turmoil on level 2.  Not fun, but I think it was worthwhile.

expandedme

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Re: My step back
« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2013, 03:31:14 pm »
Not sure what to say about level four. Almost through week two and stressed beyond belief. On edge all the time. Not sleeping well. Remembering some mighty strange dreams. No matter which way I turn I feel like I am running into walls. Yesterday I was quite depressed for no reason I could think of, and seemed quite unable to kick myself out of it. Now that was extremely difficult. All I wanted to do was go somewhere private and mope/sleep, yet I continued to tell myself to get out of it. Truly a difficult internal war.
Going to continue going through level four and hope to break out of this. Maybe I am heading for a real breakTHROUGH! At least that is what I am hoping for.

Dreamer

everything is temporary dreamer!! You got this - keep going!!!!!  =) And if you dont - thats ok too.


Dreamer

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Re: My step back
« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2013, 08:06:16 pm »
Today was my day of rest from Brain Ev and level four. It is also a day off from work - I'm in retail so there is no such thing as weekends. I slept fairly well, better than the past several nights anyway. I was sitting at my computer - not wanting to work on the budget or anything else - when my partner came down stairs. He was saying he felt like he was still asleep, but now that he was down stairs he couldn't go back to bed. Then he asked when I'd gotten up, and when I said four thirty he pounces saying I should go  back to bed. Remember he was the one who was tired.

I made a comment about wanting to get my things cleaned up and organized, but didn't know where to start, and things went downhill from there. It devolved into a major b*tch session and I went to the living room, sat in my chair and cried for about half an hour. When my partner came to check on my a while later (crying was done) he asked if I was feeling better. I had to think about that and finally told him "yes, because I give up. I'll clean my office and the rest of the house can go to hell for all I care." That is exactly how I felt, too.

I'm not a lot better than that now. I'm cleaning my office in fits and starts. Removing the things that everyone else drops in here because it is convenient or they don't want to lose it or for some other unknown reason. I don't care why it is here, if it isn't mine it's leaving.

Infinite, I think your post in the other thread was one of the first I'd read this morning and I ran away from it. I realized I was running away because it was true. I have been trying so hard to just let things be things, that I was denying that some of those things are still important to me. I'm going to see how much more I can get done in here (my office) and then I'll find my Crack Your Egg materials and get started on that. Hopefully that helps as well.

Expandedme, Thank you for your encouragement.

Dreamer
Dreamer
« Last Edit: June 29, 2013, 08:08:56 pm by Dreamer »
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. - Oscar Wilde

Infinite

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Re: My step back
« Reply #7 on: July 01, 2013, 02:00:47 am »
Dreamer,

I wish you the best of luck.  I am finding I have similar issues where I end up suppressing things because I want to "be a nice guy" and "not rock the boat." But I'm finding there is a difference between hiding our thoughts/feelings from others, and hiding them from ourselves.  Sometimes maybe it is appropriate to hide them from others, because they come from a disfunctional place.  But if we hide them from ourselves, I think it just causes us to become even more disfunctional.  But then sometimes it's appropriate to express these things to others.  I'm just learning that I tend not to because I desperately want/need to receive their approval, because really, I don't approve of myself.  As I start to realize/admit how much I just don't like myself, suddenlly all the unexplainable things about my nature are starting to make sense.  It's a tough pill for me to swallow, but on the other hand, I'm starting to see a crack of light into a whole new brighter world....

Best Regards,
Infinite

Dreamer

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Re: My step back
« Reply #8 on: July 01, 2013, 08:08:53 pm »
Infinite,
Quote
As I start to realize/admit how much I just don't like myself, suddenlly all the unexplainable things about my nature are starting to make sense.

Wow, that is quite the epiphany!. I am impressed and proud of you. I am sure things will get better for you now that you have a better idea of what is going on.

I listened to level four again. First day of my third week, and what a change! I really enjoyed listening to the thunderstorm again, as I did the first time I went through. I had a weird dream thought that lasted a while, which I confess I still don't understand. I had an old memory pop up of sitting outside on the glider during thunderstorms when I was a child. It was all positive. When I went to work afterward I was quite out of it, like I was watching myself from a distance, plus a sinus headache came in and had my head pounding the rest of the time I was there. So, I'm not sure if the "out of it" feeling was from Brain Ev, or the beginning of the headache.

I had been listening to, and reading from Ekhart Tolle, and trying to release my ego and find my Essence. Any time I'd thought about the things I wanted I believed it to be coming through ego and so I would try to dismiss the wanting to become free of ego. I had not realized that Essence wants things as well, and those were the things I was denying myself. It all gets complicated, but I had the answer given to me today when I picked up a book to read, and there it was. All laid out in simple words.

I would say that really, nothing has changed except my attitude. No indication of the depression coming back and things seem to be going fairly smoothly. I hope the rest of level four is as positive as today has been.

Dreamer
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. - Oscar Wilde

Infinite

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Re: My step back
« Reply #9 on: July 03, 2013, 01:33:46 am »
Hi Dreamer,

Glad you're feeling better!  Hopefully you've broken through the resistance and it will be smooth sailing from here.

I was thinking about my recommendation to get out your "Crack Your Egg" materials.  I still suggest it, but I know you have a tendancy to take on too much, so make sure you clean out some space in your schedule for it!  You're only a month or two from completing your second round of BrainEv, so maybe it would make sense to wait 'till then and use those 30 minutes.....

Best Regards,
Infinite

expandedme

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Re: My step back
« Reply #10 on: July 06, 2013, 03:03:23 am »
I would say that really, nothing has changed except my attitude. No indication of the depression coming back and things seem to be going fairly smoothly. I hope the rest of level four is as positive as today has been.

Dreamer

Hey Dreamer! Im glad level four is getting positive. Please keep sharing your process and whats going on!

=)


expandedme

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Re: My step back
« Reply #11 on: July 06, 2013, 03:13:49 am »
Infinite,
Quote
As I start to realize/admit how much I just don't like myself, suddenlly all the unexplainable things about my nature are starting to make sense.
Dreamer

Infinite! I so feel you on that. This horrible critic just judging everything you do. Im so mean to myself its crazy. But then so encouraging to others...but so cruel to myself.  Good luck with learning to like yourself. 

Ive been trying to correct those negative talks that i say to myself and question their truth. Its kinda cool actually...instead of spiraling down to loserville, ive had some a couple of successes stoping it with, wait who the hell is saying this stuff? Where is this coming from. And is this really true?

So many thoughts not an easy process. But hey I guess awareness is the first step! This is a new approach for me as of this past week. I wish you luck!!!!!




Dreamer

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Re: My step back
« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2013, 03:15:20 pm »
Quote
Im so mean to myself its crazy. But then so encouraging to others...but so cruel to myself.  Good luck with learning to like yourself.

Ive been trying to correct those negative talks that i say to myself and question their truth. Its kinda cool actually...instead of spiraling down to loserville, ive had some a couple of successes stoping it with, wait who the hell is saying this stuff? Where is this coming from. And is this really true?

So many thoughts not an easy process. But hey I guess awareness is the first step! This is a new approach for me as of this past week. I wish you luck!!!!!

Expandedme,
I will say you need to learn to be kind to yourself first. Your question of "Is it true?" sounds like Byron Katie and her program of "Loving What Is." I followed that for several months until I realized there were several key points I simply disagreed with. As I here bits of her talks on You Tube I am finding that I may have been wrong, that it wasn't a matter of disagreeing as much as not understanding. Still, I am finding I prefer Ekhart Tolle's view of how to handle the world and how to love yourself.
He does offer a free course on his site. EkhartTolleTV.com I really hope I typed that correctly. :-\

Dreamer
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. - Oscar Wilde

Infinite

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Re: My step back
« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2013, 06:02:33 pm »
My problems have run a bit trickier than direct negative self talk.  Realizing how much I don't like myself came from contemplating my perceptions that other people don't like me even though I THOUGHT I liked me.  But mostly my perceptions were based on my own projections of expecting them not to like me because I don't feel like I'm really worth other people liking me.  It appears I've been really good with the self deception.  Accepting that my outter reallity is laregly a reflection of my inner state has helped me to see things for what they are.

(Sorry to hijack your thread, Dreamer)

expandedme

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Re: My step back
« Reply #14 on: July 14, 2013, 04:17:44 pm »
I love Ekhart Toelle - I read a new earth twice. Ha it had me release some music equipment and sell em when i was in a money crunch. long story.... i might actually pick that book up again. Thank you for the reminder.

i hope your journey is moving along the way you'd like it too!!

 





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