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Author Topic: My BrainEv Journey  (Read 6695 times)

MediocreMichael

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My BrainEv Journey
« on: March 21, 2013, 07:20:34 am »
I've been doing BrainEv since March 6th and am still on level one, but I will report on what has happened so far.

I'm 19, and for all of my teen years, I have been depressed and anxious. The anxiety, which included many panic attacks has been rather lifelong.

About a month and a half before starting BrainEv, I've been following a website called calmdownmind(dot)com, which talks about slowing the mind's momentum.

In the past couple weeks, I have become insanely depressed, with thoughts of suicide returning, as well as feeling as though I am a giant loser because I've spent the past 3.5 years of my life at home isolated. I'm not identifying with these feelings, even though their pull is pretty great. I've also been getting headaches for the past few days.

We'll have to see how this goes.

Infinite

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Re: My BrainEv Journey
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2013, 04:09:51 pm »
Hi Michael,

Thanks for sharing.  I look forward to hearing how your progress goes.

It sounds like the start of your "insanely depressed" feelings coincided with your starting BrainEv, correct?  It also sounds like you've been suffering for a long time.  The first piece of advice I would give is to seek professional help if you have not already. 

As for the BrainEv, it can definately stir up undesirable feelings.  This is a normal part of the process.  If these feelings get too strong (and I would suggest suicidal thoughts are strong!), beyond professional help some things to consider are:
1.  Make sure you are taking your rest day once a week!
2.  Consider taking extra rest days:
  a.  Perhaps 2 rest days in a row once a week
  b.  Perhaps 3 days on, 1 day off
  c.  Perhaps 1 day on, 1 day off
  d.  If you think it's BrainEv causing the insane depression, take a break until you feel better
  d.  Whatever feels right for you
3. Consider sticking with Level 1 until you feel better.  Level 2 in particular seems to agitate feelings of depression.
4. Consider doing a whole month of just the 15 minute demo, then restarting level 1

I also highly recommend the book "A Guide To Rational Living" by Albert Ellis and Robert Harper.  Read chapters 1-6 for general background, then pick and choose from the rest you feel apply for you.  It should particularly help you see how thoughts like, "I am a giant loser" are irrational and help you move forward in a more productive way.

Thomas Edison and associates spent about three years and went through three thousand theories of how to create an efficient electric light bulb.  Imagine if after 2999, Edison said, "What a loser I am for wasting all this time," and gave up.  You've had struggles, but like Edison, you clearly are continuing to take action to find a solution (BrainEv right now in your case).  That is the mark of a winner.  Keep up the good fight.

Best Regards,
Infinite

MediocreMichael

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Re: My BrainEv Journey
« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2013, 12:37:12 am »
Thank you for replying, Infinite.

Yes, the insane depression came up about 5 or so days after starting BrainEv. I was in the hospital in November for suicidal thoughts/depression after coming off of a medication, which I was put back on and hence probably suppressed everything again.

I've kept up with the 6 days on, 1 day off schedule, I think it's best to keep going instead of listening to the pull of my mind. I've heard about Level 2 causing feelings of depression, although because I've had a long history with it, I imagine by the time I get to Level 2 or 3, the momentum will severely die down.

I'll have to see if I can find a download of that book or if it's at the library.

That logic makes sense, even if the inadequacy feelings are still there, they will run their course as long as I don't pay much attention to them.

Thanks for the reply!

Infinite

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Re: My BrainEv Journey
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2013, 04:32:46 pm »
Okay, just so long as you can keep it from becoming too much for you.  I look forward to hear how you are feeling over the next coming weeks and months.

Dreamer

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Re: My BrainEv Journey
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2013, 11:16:25 am »
Hello Michael,
I, too, have gone through a lifetime of depression, so I feel for where you are. I completely agree with Infinite, you should read "A Guide to Rational Living." I know it helped me a lot. I have also had professional counseling and been on and off medication several times. You are doing well not to attach to the thoughts, but I wonder if you could change your screen name to something more positive? Every time you log on, you will identify with your screen name and I wonder if you really want to identify with being "mediocre."

Keep posting and let us know what is going on.

Blessings
Dreamer
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. - Oscar Wilde

MediocreMichael

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Re: My BrainEv Journey
« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2013, 12:40:52 am »
How do I change the name? I only used this name because it's been my YouTube name for around 2 years.

Dreamer

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Re: My BrainEv Journey
« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2013, 10:46:00 am »
Click the "Profile" button (near top left of the page), then click "Account Settings" on the drop-down. Hope this helps.

Blessings
Dreamer
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. - Oscar Wilde

MediocreMichael

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Re: My BrainEv Journey
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2013, 06:21:21 am »
A little bit of a follow up, even though it's only been a few days.

The boredom I am having is getting much worse. I've spent the past few years at home, so believe me when I say I know what boring is. Much more often than usual, I am a bored sack of crap lying on the couch or bed wanting death. I just want it to pass! But of course it will take time, as everything else does.

Infinite

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Re: My BrainEv Journey
« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2013, 04:55:54 pm »
Hi Michael,

I find your posts interesting in that you are clearly suffering mental anguish, and yet seem capable of keeping a detached/optimistic perspective.

Warning:  Shot in the dark here, consider or ignore as appropirate:
Is your being home-bound a fucntion of your depression, or are there other factors?  I ask because I wonder if the boredom is as much of a problem as it feels you are making it out to be.  By that I mean that it seems like maybe the boredom is natural and appropriate for what is happening in your ilfe and it is ratcheting up in intensity to try to prompt you to DO SOMETHING about it.  ie.  Maybe whatever is keeping you from getting out of the house is the problem, NOT the boredom which may be totally healthy and appropriate.  The wanting death, of course, not so healthy.
If the issues are around our depression, do you have the same issue to the same extent when not on your meds?  If not, I would suggest discussing this with your prescriber as it may be a side effect of your meds which seems counterproductive.

Best Regards,
Infinite

MediocreMichael

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Re: My BrainEv Journey
« Reply #9 on: March 30, 2013, 06:05:46 am »
The boredom is no doubt amplified due to the depression, which is really just negative thoughts having snowballed. The reason why I am at home and not at school or work is mainly due to anxiety. Of course the anxiety is nowhere near as bad as it was a few years ago, but there's still quite a bit of mind momentum there. The reason why I maintain some optimism is because I'm more aware of what all of these problems are.

Can you check out this website and give me your opinion on it? I've been reading the articles for the past month or so and it seems to go hand in hand with what BrainEv does. In fact, I was referred here by the website.

calmdownmind(dot)com

Infinite

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Re: My BrainEv Journey
« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2013, 02:32:55 am »
Hi Michael,

I'll try to check it out next week when I have a little time.

Happy Easter!
Infinite

MediocreMichael

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Re: My BrainEv Journey
« Reply #11 on: March 31, 2013, 10:15:42 am »
Some more details that I have forgotten to mention.

- I have been very restless for the past week or so. I usually get 4-6 hours of sleep and am awake the rest of the time thrashing around.
- I've been getting severe leg cramps
- Hopelessness has increased (the thought pattern anyways, I can see through it)

Infinite

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Re: My BrainEv Journey
« Reply #12 on: April 01, 2013, 09:23:21 pm »
Hi Michael,

I looked at CalmDownMind a little bit and here are my thoughts you asked for:

Some of this resonates with me.  Some of it does not, but I didn't see anything I would consider particulary harmful in what I read.  And it appears to be a blog of random posts, which is okay, but too bad it's not better organized.

However, the important thing is are you finding it helpful/useful for YOU?  And I believe your response is, yes.  And so if you are finding it a good resource for you, personally, I would say keep it up.  The author of the blog takes on some spirtual issues where I don't necessarily subscribe to his opinions.  Maybe I am right, but then, maybe I am not evolved enough to understand him.  Some of the things he has to say are really very good (in my opinion).  Take what resonates with you and keep it, jettison the rest.  I subscribe to the Taoist saying that, "The way that can be told is not the eternal way."  This reminds me that we are all travelers here and no one is an absolute authority on "the truth."  Aside from the obvious, this is a good thing to keep in mind from another perspective.  Sometimes, when people find someone with "the answers" that really work for them, later they find some part of their teaching that doesn't, or find the person to be a fraud in some other way.  When their infallible image of their mentor gets shaken, suddenly they doubt everything and throw it all out and go back to their starting place.  Instead, it is better to recognize the value and benefits of what you have learned, and perhaps realize it is time to move on and learn more/better.  It's like certain models in chemistry.  We've moved on and realized that they don't accurately describe atoms, but they still work mathematically, so they can still be useful.

I recommend the same with CalmDownMind or any other resource.  Study them and find what is useful/helpful.  Do not fall apart if you find parts you question or disagree with.  You are in a place right now where you need to grow mentally/emotionally.  Use it to grow.  As you grow you will either grow more into it, or more out of it, and either one is good as long as you are growing.  Seek other sources as you need them.  In the end, you should become your own expert, because once you truly get "it" and make the truth your own, you can really be free.

The only other piece of advice I would give I will paraphrase from "A Guide To Rational Living":  seek information that helps you GET better, not just FEEL better.  Both are good goals, but GETTING better automatically leads to more lasting FEELING better.  FEELING better is often temporary.  For instance, you might get involved in a new relationship.  This might make you FEEL better.  Then the relationship ends, and you FEEL worse again.  But if you GET better, you are better able to mentally and emotionally handle the ups and downs of a relationship.

Best Regards,
Infinite

MediocreMichael

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Re: My BrainEv Journey
« Reply #13 on: April 02, 2013, 08:45:01 am »
Infinite - Thank you for checking out the site and giving me your thoughts. The website and its' information is quite helpful, especially in the way how the guy doesn't cram this sh*t down your throat or tell you that it's "right".

MediocreMichael

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Re: My BrainEv Journey
« Reply #14 on: April 07, 2013, 06:03:05 am »
First day of Level 2 was last night. Damn, was I glad to actually get started with the "real" program, it seems like Level 1 is for developing awareness.

Level 2 wasn't relaxing like Level 1 was, but I liked it better. Instead of Level 1 where I just let my thoughts pass through without giving them much attention, Level 2 was having the thoughts come up and they just kinda sat there. It was pretty different, but feeling something is nice. I felt anxiety in some of my muscles while listening (anxiety is one of my problems).

I also had 2 dreams last night which were very vivid. One was sexual and I when I dream of stuff like that, it's like a damn hologram, but this time it was quite realistic.

 





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